I was a villain in a toxic relationship with a beautiful woman who I treated horribly. However I’m people pleasing if I say I was just completely horrible. I loved that woman the best way I could at the time. I have grown from the mistakes I made with her since then. I know, I know, why do Men have to hurt so many women in their journey to become better. I’m not sure why but I do know if those other men are like me and they had an ex like mine then the better, upgraded version of them most likely could still not even date their ex. The reason being is the woman was a major part of why the relationship was toxic just as much as he was.
Many women ( and men of course )mistakenly believe themselves to be great partners dismissing the countless ways that they’re frustrating to be with just because they do not cheat. They disregard that they’re not as nurturing as they believe themselves to be. The safe space that they receive from their man when he is patiently listening with empathy is not reciprocated to him. For example my ex would say she wants the truth and honesty. However my truth and honesty was always a weapon for her to use against me, which was like being in between a rock and a hard place. Do you know how incredibly conflicting it is for you to want to tell your partner everything because you want them to know who you are from the ugly to the beautiful, yet it feeds into constant accusations as if you’re on trial from your partner that plays judge, jury and executioner? Now of course it is my fault for allowing myself to be with someone who obviously could not accept me. But what does that say about her? Does it not also say that she’s incredibly conflicting within herself? I always told her that I have no problem committing to her but the only one that can lead me away from her was her. Unfortunately it appears that went in one ear and out the other since it never took.
The relationship felt like a perpetual state of constant reassurance. It is amazing how I could not just be without her even tho I knew at the time it just couldn’t work between us. But for some reason I guess I felt I deserved it. I was a man that was in love with being single trying to find love (even while being in a relationship which is why I was with women that liked women) I often enter relationships knowing there was an expiration date mainly due to this need to constantly wonder if I love this person enough creating too much anxiety. The constant reassurance did not help eventually (not realizing it at the time) I started to lose respect for her.
So here is where it gets just ridiculous: I’m losing respect for her but I still love her so I get in this loop of where I do things that are disrespectful then guilt takes over and I want to not only repair the damage I want to heal everything to be even better (thanks to being a people pleaser). I thought I was able to turn our relationship into art like the Japanese practice kintsugi -repairing a broken cup with gold in the cracks.
Human hearts are not that easy.
But the thing is I really was trying. However when someone can’t communicate with you, listen and be patient then they’re never going to be able to be with you. Online you see the comments from women saying men are not vulnerable or rather men mistakenly think arguing is being held accountable. Here’s the thing with that, you’re completely allowed to be angry, pissed off, like Trump supporters on Jan 6th but you’re not allowed to act like how they acted and believe that’s a safe environment for someone to be vulnerable with you in. You’re not allowed to ask me something dozens of times just in different ways and think that’s communicating.
One of the most complicated positions you can put a man in is having him become acutely aware of the hurt you are feeling because of his emotions. I am not one to discuss my emotions often because they don’t really fluctuate much. But it’s also because I want to keep the peace. Therefore Imagine how difficult it is to talk about anything that is deeply affecting me when it effected our relationship in certain ways. My ex and I did threesomes several times in the beginning of our relationship but they sort of just stopped. When they stopped, few months later we entered a drought and threesomes were the only way for me to become interested in sex again. Now this is probably going to be confusing but I didn’t need threesomes to be with her. I needed threesomes to become interested in sex. I was perfectly fine with the relationship when we were good but I wasn’t fine with myself so I became consumed with learning to become financially free. So my sexual desire decreased to the point where we had sex once every few weeks. Understandably, it was tough for her and it played on her insecurities.
Looking back at it now after therapy and self reflecting, threesomes were my defense mechanism and spoke to my ID. It gave me validation and intimacy and woke up my primal urges in order to overwrite the reality of how I felt depressed about my reality. Now I know many men are pressuring their women for threesomes but this wasn’t me. I merely would suggest and she was always free to accept or deny because again this speaks to my core value of live your truth. However it would have been better if we never went that route. See for most people threesomes are an issue but for us in reality it was an issue in another way; it was the rubber band that brought us back to each other because the sexual chemistry was intoxicating.
Unfortunately this time around our communication was so off base that she could say the sky is blue and I’ll hear the sky is turquoise. When you’re unable to communicate at the basic level then you’re unable to understand each other. Actually our issue wasn’t even the lack of understanding it was our desire to be right that was the true issue. When people value being right it strips the reality of others ability to understand the other’s person point of view. The problem with that is no relationship can grow if both point of views are ignored.
And I felt completely ignored. Losing respect for her was coming easier due to feeling like you’re with someone who can never be pleased. Then you realize your issue isn’t even your issue anymore and your issues are put to the back burner. Numbness eventually settles in due to feeling so fragmented. Our problem in the relationship for me was that I can’t even work through my problems because of how she feels. I’m trying to figure out how to fix my lack of desire quickly yet there was no way for me to do that when you’re unable to even communicate how to do that. In actuality you can’t even do that properly if even discussing my lack of desire creates an environment where I feel like I’m on trial. I really should have been able to say how I feel without feeling like I’m a villian.
Yoruba Demons 